This is something that seems to have been plaguing me for a long time. And it's finally gotten to the point to where I was actually worried about what he thinks about my looks, how I look in clothes, my performance in bed...and even whether or not he's got someone on the side. I guess my insecurities have surfaced again, so the reason why I am writing this blog is because I want to know if I am the only one who feels invisible in a relationship. It's like no matter what I do to improve on myself, I get no recognition. And asking him if he notices me would probably make me seem outright insecure. So what other options do I have? Now, I'll tell you who does notice me, it's the perverts who have nothing better else to do but drive around picking up women, old men, men at gas stations, and men in the grocery. Not my idea of being noticed, but I'm noticed all the same.
My mother always says that if a man doesn't notice anything you do at home and doesn't spend time taking you out, and doesn't treat you like his queen, it's obvious that his attention has been turned elsewhere and he's embarrassed by you for some reason or another. I don't want to believe that this is where we are, but the more I look at it and think about, that's exactly the way it seems. He won't have lunch with me at work, we don't go out dancing, we don't go to dinner, we don't have any memories we can actually share together and that probably bothers me the most. He will hang out with his friends or travel with them before he does with me -- he's even told me so. We don't take pictures together, we don't go out just to be going out on our excursions, and we don't play games any more.
I don't feel like I'm at the top of the list with him, and I don't want to jump to drastic conclusions, but I will not be ignored, rejected, or made to feel mediocre, especially not in 2010. Sex is on his time. And I make all the sacrifices just to keep everyone happy and comfortable. He'll take days off for himself, but never for me, except for when I had my surgery. Like New Year's Eve, he won't take the night off to take me out, and I don't even think he wants to ring in the new year with me otherwise he'd make just as much of a fuss about it as I am. I showed him the dress I was planning to wear if we were going together, he said, "you can't wear it again when we go out?" That's just it...when does he plan to take me out? He prefers sitting on the damn sofa watching TV, being on his laptop, playing with his phone, or outside working on his motorcycle. Things that get more attention than I do. Am I supposed to settle for this kind of life?
So this is why I feel like I'm invisible. Everything is done on his time. He notices me whenever he wants, and does with me whatever he chooses; it's mostly like I'm on the backburner of his mind left there until he decides I exist, and it's been feeling like that for quite some time.
Thing is, ladies, why should I feel like this? Why would I need to beg for his time and attention? I don't need it. 2010 is my turn. It's going to be all about me. And I hope that it's a good year for us, otherwise I'll be flying solo.
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