Monday, December 28, 2009

Being Invisible

This is something that seems to have been plaguing me for a long time.  And it's finally gotten to the point to where I was actually worried about what he thinks about my looks, how I look in clothes, my performance in bed...and even whether or not he's got someone on the side.  I guess my insecurities have surfaced again, so the reason why I am writing this blog is because I want to know if I am the only one who feels invisible in a relationship.  It's like no matter what I do to improve on myself, I get no recognition.  And asking him if he notices me would probably make me seem outright insecure. So what other options do I have?  Now, I'll tell you who does notice me, it's the perverts who have nothing better else to do but drive around picking up women, old men, men at gas stations, and men in the grocery.  Not my idea of being noticed, but I'm noticed all the same.

My mother always says that if a man doesn't notice anything you do at home and doesn't spend time taking you out, and doesn't treat you like his queen, it's obvious that his attention has been turned elsewhere and he's embarrassed by you for some reason or another.  I don't want to believe that this is where we are, but the more I look at it and think about, that's exactly the way it seems.  He won't have lunch with me at work, we don't go out dancing, we don't go to dinner, we don't have any memories we can actually share together and that probably bothers me the most.  He will hang out with his friends or travel with them before he does with me -- he's even told me so.  We don't take pictures together, we don't go out just to be going out on our excursions, and we don't play games any more. 

I don't feel like I'm at the top of the list with him, and I don't want to jump to drastic conclusions, but I will not be ignored, rejected, or made to feel mediocre, especially not in 2010.  Sex is on his time.  And I make all the sacrifices just to keep everyone happy and comfortable.  He'll take days off for himself, but never for me, except for when I had my surgery.  Like New Year's Eve, he won't take the night off to take me out, and I don't even think he wants to ring in the new year with me otherwise he'd make just as much of a fuss about it as I am.  I showed him the dress I was planning to wear if we were going together, he said, "you can't wear it again when we go out?"  That's just it...when does he plan to take me out?  He prefers sitting on the damn sofa watching TV, being on his laptop, playing with his phone, or outside working on his motorcycle.  Things that get more attention than I do.  Am I supposed to settle for this kind of life?

So this is why I feel like I'm invisible.  Everything is done on his time.  He notices me whenever he wants, and does with me whatever he chooses; it's mostly like I'm on the backburner of his mind left there until he decides I exist, and it's been feeling like that for quite some time.

Thing is, ladies, why should I feel like this?  Why would I need to beg for his time and attention?  I don't need it.  2010 is my turn.  It's going to be all about me.  And I hope that it's a good year for us, otherwise I'll be flying solo.

The Rules to Marriage Have Changed, Pt. 2

Obviously we are forgetting or have forgotten the importance and value of true love and the honor of relationships.  Fools are rushing in to situations they know absolutely nothing about and when they go astray, they quickly look for someone to blame.  It puzzles me how people think they know so much about someone when the truth to the matter is they don't.  And what's also amazing is how people get married after only being together for weeks and barely months, and call it love.  It's fool's love, that's what it is, and the only way to truly know someone is to spenda good amount of time with that person, then and only then you'll know if that person is right for you. 

A person going into marriage knowing that their significant other is not compatible to them is the biggest mistake anyone can make.  If you know he or she has a problem with cheating, lying, stealing, alcoholism, drugs, staying out of jail, gangbanging -- these are significant signs that perhaps you should run the other direction.  Marrying into these types of elements can prove fatal later on and can ultimately destroy any real chances you may have for a prosperous future.

Ok, so you love him/her, but in the end, what will have it brought you with all of the problems you've experienced?  If there have been one lie after another as to where he/she has been, doing, living, etc., do you really think that marrying this person is going to change them?  Better yet, do you think bringing a child into the picture is going to make things work between you?  It's practically done everyday and no one is looking at the real picture as to why the problems persist.

Scenario:
She has been with him for a little over ten years.  She loves him dearly, enough to have put up with every kind of problem she can imagine, including suspicions of him being with other women.  Out of the ten years she's been with him, she's been married to him for the past three years and is finding that nothing has really changed, except the fights have escalated, the arguments have increased, the excuses have become more creative, the distrust has risen, and she's finding that spending time with an old flame brings no regrets.  At the same time she loves her husband...willing to go through the bullshit as long as she can, wanting to believe everything he says, even when he tells her, "no, I'm not sleeping with her, she just gives me money for what I sell."  To want to believe her marriage can be saved, she's convinced herself that having another baby is going to make things between them more stable and put their marriage on solid grounds.  Their incoming income is very little, barely enough to sustain them throughout the month, and yet she's lead herself to believe that she needs to be home as much as possible to convince him of her love and support for him even though he's beginning to stay out late nights, not come home sometimes, and fails to call to let her know of his whereabouts.  And when she talks to others about the situations at home, surprisingly she has excuses for every thing he does, including the fights and arguments they have.  Is this marriage worth saving?

Ok, so let's look at the obvious here, they fight and argue, they have little to no income, he stays out and often doesn't come home, he doesn't call, he lies, does this sound like a healthy marriage?  Even after being with him seven years prior to marrying him, the signs were there that it would be a mistake getting into a union that doesn't prove healthy in any instance.  I've been through a marriage that held nothing but one argument after another, one fight after another -- where I had to make excuses for everything he did just to not appear weak in everyone else's eyes.  Where I had to maintain a house and home while he spent his money on other people, material things, drugs, and alcohol; entertained people while I rolled pennies just to buy pampers and formula because I had just paid all of the bills and rent.  It was an eye opening experience after a while and with a baby, I finally had to make up my mind that this relationship wasn't going to work.  I was putting in more than he was and basically was a husband whenever someone else brought it to his attention that he was slacking off.

But you know what, it's lessons in life that we all have to learn at some point.  Marriage is not a matter of convenience to the other person or to each other.  It's not just about sex and money.  If you can't put the real value into why two people get married, it's all a complete waste of time.  And if the only reason why you get married is to enjoy the pleasures of cheating, think of who you are hurting in the process.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Rules to Marriage Have Changed, Pt. 1

It seems that over the past few decades the rules to marriage are continuing to change with the demands of lifestyle trends set no longer catering to compatibility, financial stability, security and emotional dwelling, but on blind love and tolerances that are expanded and stretched beyond one's own ability to cope.  Are women getting married just for the sake of saying, "I have a husband?"  And are willing to put up with any and everything thrown their way including adultery and babies born to wome outside of the marriage?  One would think this is the sad case marriage has been driven to, and the men who carelessly play on the love and affection of women just to say they have somewhere to lay their head at night, as long as they throw a few dollars their way.

Is it worth getting married to someone you fight with day in and day out with; go through one argument after another, and live in near poverty just to keep up with a man who's really going nowhere but dragging you to the poor house while he's being taken care of by someone you know is out there?  It just continues to make me wonder why this is the case...a new reality that seems to be plaguing women, young and old, from all walks of life.  And what's sad, too, is some of these men don't want to hook up with a woman who is not stable in her own self, meaning, she has to be taking care of herself with her means of employment, have her own car, her own place, and the means to buy her own things.  I keep talking about how poor the economy is, but think about it, a man is not going for a woman who has nothing going for herself, and is simply looking for someone to give to and do for her.  She's simply another bill he just can't afford.

What's interesting to me is, while the rules to marriage are continuing to change, some women have it made up in their minds that well, if I have a baby for him, things will get better.  Obviously they are living in a LA-LA-LA-Land dream state of thinking that they've gotten so caught up in wanting to make the marriage that they are willing to make unnecessary sacrifices to just to keep the man who's doing them wrong every which kind of way.  And it's worse if they are not working and do not have a solid income coming in, this only means that they're only recourse is to get on welfare and have the county and tax payer's dollars pay for these children.

What I think some of these blindsided women should do is wake up to real reality.  That term, "I can do bad by myself," actually has a lot of truth behind that only so many women recognize and will tell you quick, "I don't need nobody broker than me."  And that statement is certainly getting its rounds as there are those women who have woken up to realize if he's not living up to his end of the bargain as being husband, she's got no time to waste on waiting for him to make up his mind.  Giving a man an ultimatum will only make him do one or two things...he's either going to pack his crap and get to stepping, or he's going to do a 180 degree turn and realize where he's been wrong and do everything in his power to make the relationship work.

I heard a husband on a TV reality show say, "Happy wife makes for a happy home."  That rings, true, too, but not too many men are willing to live by that law, feeling that it gives the woman card blanc to just run over him like crazy, but in a controlled situation, it can work to everyone's advantage.

If getting married means fighting about every little thing, cheating, suffering from financial problems, staying out all night, arguing left and right, spying on each other, suffering from physical and/or verbal abuse -- what's the point in getting married at all? I'd rather live alone if that were the case.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"Why Did I Get Married?" Was He Worth It?

How many times have you thought, "oh, I found the perfect man!" Or, "he's just right for me!" Until you marry him, then you find out just the kind of man he is.  I hear this so many times from women who whine and complain about their significant other and yet they do nothing to turn a bad situation into something managable or do the alternative...get out while the getting is good.  The very fact that you may have married a man who is still living out his teenage years is clearly still immature and if there is one thing I know you can't do is teach a man how to be a man.  He'll listen to everybody but the person he should be listening to...his wife.  And he'll not want to live up to the rules and regulations, the terms and conditions that come with being a husband.  It's like taking on a job when you marry someone who basically had an ulterior motive...find someone to take care of him while he continues to be a screw up thinking it's ok.  It is just a testament to how he was brought up.  Then again, some of these men have no intentions on doing the right thing regardless of how they were brought up and it just makes it more harder for women to deal with them.  And then again, also, there are just women who would rather put up with a dead beat man, than to be alone.

Women can't afford to live in a la-la-fantasy state of being.  They are missing the point entirely.  And yet they complain about every thing he's NOT doing when the problem doesn't just lay with him, it also lays with them because they won't take a stand and do anything about it. 

The other question we need to be asking is "did I make the right decision in marrying him?"  I've seen what my mother went through when she lived with my father before finally divorcing him in 1973.  I've seen how many times she's cried, how she's had to take me and we've had to go home to live with my grandparents because life on the home front was just unstable.  How there have been women after women invading my mother's private life, and trying to be forced into being the wife of a muslim.  But I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when my mother found out that he had fathered a child with another woman, and that there had been other women he'd fathered children with -- that was more than enough for him to just leave with barely the clothes on our backs and a few personal items she absolutely refused to leave.

When there are kids involved, you have to ask yourself if ruining your kids lives by staying with a man who is not going live up to his end of the bargain, or are you willing to make every sacrifice possible to ensure your children are brought up in a stable environment?  Children are our next future and it makes no sense having them just to be having them, to make a man happy who really doesn't want to be there to begin with, or if his sole purpose for being there is to have a place to lay his head.

Take my brother for instance.  I remember the one thing I told him when he first told me he got married was "do right by her."  I guess he thought I was B.S.'ing around when I said that, but I was serious as a heart attack.  He's the kind of person who can't live unless he's got a woman at every corner he can stick his meat into, and say with these women it's just sex and in the same breath say he love his wife to death and will give her the world.  And then, too, her kids (by another or other man/men) are out of control because she's too busy trying to keep up with cash flow and keep up with him that she's forgotten about her responsibility as a mother and parent.  I put most of the blame on my brother (on my dad's side -- we're not biologically related) because little does he realize is that when he married her, he married the kids, too, and he had a moral obligation to see to it that they grew up to become respectable young men.  But how can he when the majority of the time he's out in the streets slanging his thang, and when he's not out in the streets slanging, he's in and out of bed with other women, fathering children he can't afford to take care of or has no intentions on taking care of.

This is the society we live in.  Women putting up with B.S. men who would much rather be F*** up than handle their responsibility.  I was in that same situation.  I wanted a better life for my child so I made the conscience decision to leave.  And it took me a couple more years to realize my ex-husband was just no good for us and that he was not planning on straightening up no time soon.

Women wake up.  If he's not doing right by now and you've been with him an ex-amount of time, what makes you think he's every toing to straighten up?  It will sometimes take leaving the one you're with in order for the reality of life to kick them in the ass.

Friday, November 27, 2009

B.S. is Common-Place in Our Daily Lives

There is absolutely no way around B*** S***.  In fact, it is common-place in our daily lives.  Whether we are at work, at home with our family, hanging out with friends, running errands -- whatever the case, B.S. is everywhere.  And there's just no other way to deal with it than dealing with it head on.  Blowing up doesn't really solve the problem, only creates sour emotions between you and the other person.  There is no such thing as a perfect life, unless you're Jesus Christ, and we all know there's only one Masiah.  Fact is, you need to know how to handle it while keeping a level head.

I, myself, shut down.  It's the only way to avoid unnecessary arguments because when you look back you'll think, "was that argument really necessary?"  And believe me, I've had some silly quibbles that made no sense at the end. 

In a marriage, B.S. between a husband and wife is a given.  There are going to be your disagreements, uncomfortable situations and disappointments.  How these elements of a relationship are handled depends on the maturity level of the two individuals.  In most cases, though, in a solid relationship built on a solid foundation will have protocols in place to handle these kinds of situations.  In other words, they didn't go into being married blindly.  They actually took some time to learn each other, be fully aware and informed of their prior relationships, their past, and any other skeletons that could come out of the closet later on.  But lets keep in mind that even the best marriages that seem perfect on the outside can have its problems behind closed doors, only because the dirty laundry is not aired.

I say don't go crying about the smallest level of B.S. you encounter.  Step back, analyze it, and find a logical way to handle it.  If it's a situation that's threatening your marriage altogether, think of what the consequences would be if you stayed vs. if you left.  What would you gain by staying and what would you gain by leaving.  Don't let ongoing B.S. consume you if there is a way out of it, and it means ending a relationship just to save your sanity, and talking and counseling, and other resources to saving the relationship have been exhausted, the next best thing is to walk away.  Save yourself.  Save your children (if any), they will thank you in the end as long has you are truthful as to why you left to begin with.

Stay strong.  It can only get better in the end.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Celebrating The Old, Ringing in the New

While most of everyone I know will be out celebrating the end of 2009, to ring in the new year, I'll be sitting at home sipping on watered down eggnog, watching television re-runs, while waiting for James to come home from work so we can have our New Year's brandy. No, I didn't order the bling-bling shoes I profiled on my Facebook page only because I didn't want to suffer the agony of knowing I had those kick-ass shoes among my collection of shoes, with nowhere to wear them. I have plenty of clothes to stress over for that.

In my fashion and shoe blogs, I'll be talking about what you can expect women to be showing off at New Year's Eve parties, the hottest places that will be parying it up and the hottest styles around. I don't go out much any more, which means I don't have much of a social life to be too be wowed over, which pretty much confines me to the house.

I can't say 2009 was all that disappointing. I got a promotion on my job in April, my daughter graduated from 8th grade with flying colors. My sister got to come home, and myself, my mom, James all went to the ceremony together [in one car]. Which was nice, I'm only sorry we didn't have any activities planned afterwards.

I was hoping to have left town for my birthday, instead I settled for a so-called party I had to pay for, which didn't at all turn out like I had hoped. Leaving town would have saved me the anguish I went through before and after, especially since it's obvious I'm not going to get the party I've always wanted as an adult.

And don't get me started on vacation days and weekends...all spent just sitting at home, watching reruns on television, hearing how my friends are out living it up, and I'm surround by the walls of my house. Fact is I'm starting to feel old. And I'm just 42. The end of this year can't come soon enough. And I keep hoping for something better, more excitement, it's just never going to come.